Eh up
Since I’m no longer catheter compatible, I’ve been using a dreadful thing called a Convene (emphasis on the first syllable, Con-vene). Basically it’s a small condom with a tube on the end. Small? Yes. It’s supposed to fit snugly over my flaccid penis. Imagine that - trying to wriggle a floppy little length of sausagemeat into a casing, manually. And, of course, I can’t do it myself, so it’s up to those lucky lads Jacob, Aslan and Marvin to do the honours every morning. Sorry, that makes it sound like all three of them are on the job simultaneously - how many male nurses does it take to change a Convene? - but no, just the one, and right now it’s Jacob’s turn. He’s as diligent as ever. “I can trim these if you like,” he offers, pushing my admittedly rather thickety pubes out of the way. No, that’s OK thanks. Just get the thing on there.
Now look. I’m not saying this in a belligerent way, but I’m not even slightly gay. I’m tediously straight in fact, to the disappointment of at least one ex who dreamt of a three-way with me and Adrien Brody. A-Bro was actually my choice, he’s like John Turturro’s groovy younger brother. Cheeky grin, great nose…but no, sorry, it’s just not happening. Anyway, he wasn’t available that week. You know all this denial’s leading somewhere.
So, yes, here’s short straw Jacob gently manipulating this silly rain hat onto my dick and despite the situation and despite trying my best to think about things like wiring a plug or stripping wallpaper - things that really should maintain a lack of erection - despite all these factors -
“Whoa!” exclaims Jacob. “OK…that’s good.”
Jesus, strike up the band. This little touch of priapism is hardly newsworthy. Jacob sticks his head out of the cubicle and calls Aslan and Marvin over.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
The boys pile in. “Look!” Jacob exclaims, pointing.
“Hey hey!” is Marvin’s verdict.
“Steve’s alive!” says Aslan.
Lads, seriously. It’s not even a semi. Still, they’re clearly genuinely pleased, and I feel like a right proper churlie for failing to share their enthusiasm. Mind you, I already knew I was still getting erections - waking up with wood while catheterised was memorably painful - but this is the first time they’ve seen me “alive”. Come to think of it, I’ve heard them use that expression before; some patients, particularly Mehmet, are declared alive on a regular basis.
Progress, then.
